तेरे इश्क़ का रंग
मुझ पर कुछ ऐसा छाया
हर शिकन मे
हर ज़र्रे मे
मैं नहीं मेरा वजूद नहीं
तू, बस तू नज़र आया.

So lost in your love was I
that in every wrinkle, 
every particle of my being too
Not me, not my identity
what reflected was you, only you...

Mist

Slowly a mist descends 
Shrouding 
Cold
Sharp
Wrapping its fingers 
Tightening
Clammy
Hard

I forget to breathe
yet heave

I grope forward 
Blind

A sliver of a sunbeam
The mist lifts

A smile breaks
On cracked lips

A struggle for it
To reach the heart

From the corner of an eye 
A tiny shard
That breaks away
And dissolves

A blanket of cold
A fading echo
settles down
claims its space

And calls me home.

Ships!

And I wait for a vessel to carry me away

Far, far from this madding crowd

Far from the fake smiles, the pretense

The curtsies, the handshakes

The hugs, the kisses in the air…

On to oceans open, transparent

The honest rumble of the waves

The true dialog of the gulls,

The whispering rustling of the sails

The pure sound of whistling wind…

The salt in the breeze on my smiling lips

Mingled with tears of happy release

The days gone by slowly, swiftly receding

Into the fading distance

As this vessel

This vessel of freedom carries me away….

How Long...

How long before

catharsis sets in?

before this dull ache

lulls itself into

a quiet throb?

before thoughts

that rush at me

slow down

into a distant memory?

before the grief

of betrayal genuflects

in the face of 

forgiveness?

How long before

I forget?

How long before

I forgive?

How long before,

once again,

I live?

बेतकल्लुफ़ी से उन्होंने ज़िक्र अपनी मोहब्बत का किया
और तुम्हारी पहचान हवा के नाम की
हम अपना इश्क़नामा दिल में दबाए
अश्क़ आँखों में छुपाए
सर उठा कर चल दिये ....

Casually they mentioned their love
And gave your name away to the wind
I concealed our love story in my heart
Hid my pain in my eyes
And walked away, my head held high...

Oneness

How do I merge and become one

with the warming rays of the sun

With the rushing breeze promising to carry me away

With the naughty gush of the ocean's spray

Or with the moonlight that beckons me with an enviable calm

How, how do I go back to oneness

Like when I melted in your arms

The light shining inside you
Strengthens the light inside me
Why then should love
Have to flicker out and painfully die?

A Rainbow is Born

The grey morning I've languidly woken up to
has birthed a rainbow in my soul
the symphony of the breeze, rustling leaves and rain
has taken away every ache and pain
And here I am - exuberant, yet tranquil, whole

Tucked Away in my Heart...Chemistry

....And there came a day when you said, "Love? Chemistry? Where was the chemistry between us?" How could you forget how you couldn't keep your arms from wrapping around me - the minute you saw me, to the minute you saw me off? Or pulling my hair-clasp off just so you could run your fingers through my hair? That's chemistry.


There are days even now when I feel soft love envelope me...I know you're thinking of me then. There are times when I miss you days on an end. That's when I know something's going on with you. When I feel inexplicable, unbearable sadness....I know you're dealing with some grief then. That's love.


When we chose our ways, our grief turned to anger. You heard what you wanted to hear, even when I didn't say it. You saw what you chose to see, even when it didn't happen. I chose not to be patient with you. You chose to not be patient with me.


Time moved on. So did we. And yet we've remained still...

सब कुछ वही है, पर कुछ कमी है, तेरी आहटें नहीं हैं.... 

You, Me, An Aeroplane...

Memories that rush at me
Trees flying past
You, me, an aeroplane
A landscape below so vast...


Fresh air, laughter, gentle ribbing
Closed eyes, open now
You, me, an aeroplane
A treasured moment, and I go "Wow!"...


Misunderstandings, silence, distances
Accusations flying thick and fast
You, me, an aeroplane
How do I make happy times last?...


Mumbled words, an awkward pause
Cold voices so far apart
You, me, an aeroplane
And now a deep ache in my heart...


And now a deep ache in my heart.

hai-rat kyun...

क्यूँ करते हो तुम ताज्जुब 
मेरी मुत्तरीद तग्लीबी को 
कभी देखा है तुमने हवाओं को 
एक-रुख रहते हुए?


Why do you wonder
Why I am ever-changing
Have you ever seen the wind
Stay the same course?

Alive, guilty.

क्यूँ यह तन्हाई है
क्या यह ख़ामोशी है
ज़िन्दगी के शोर में
किसे पुकारे यह सरगोशी है?


क्यूँ आलम बे-हिसी का
किन गमनशीनों की यह टोली है
इबादत से इस सन्नाटे में
किसे रूह से पुकारे ये सरगोशी है?


मेरे दोस्त का जनाज़ा निकल गया
मेरे चेहरे पे लिखा "जिंदा, दोषी" है
"तू चला गया, मै कुछ कर न सका  
 माफ़ कर देना" दबी सी एक सरगोशी है.


Why this loneliness?
What is this silence for?
In the cacophony of life
Who do these whispers call out to?


Why this situation of apathy
Which group do these morose people belong to? 
In this worship-like silence
Who do these soul-whispers call out to?


My friend's hearse passes me by
My face reads "alive, guilty"
"You're gone, I couldn't do naught, 
forgive me", quietly whisper I.

The silence of death

Lost a friend from childhood to cancer yesterday. Not that we were super close or anything, but he was someone who shared my childhood with. I cheered him on when he won medals, he clapped when I debated. Many years we weren't even in touch. Till Facebook and a subsequent school reunion brought us back together. With great news and bad. He was married to an awesome woman. He was getting treated for cancer. Stunned. I made all the right sounds and inside I was like, "what am I saying? what DO I say to someone who's telling me he has cancer - and with a smile!?" He went into remission for a while. Small sigh of relief. And then it came back. With a vengeance. Spread to his lungs first. Scrambled. HAD to do something. What? Got in touch with someone wonderful who does Reiki, very powerfully. Phew. At least we could do something. As his cancer spread, so did my involvement (from a distance) - Let's get him Reiki, which would - at the very least - ease his suffering. But my life continued. It didn't come to a standstill as his wife's or his parents' or his brother's. Then came the news that he was in hospital. Grim. I HAD to go see him. At least once. Turned out to be my first and last time to see him ravaged by the Big C.


I stood there at the gate of the cremation ground. Waiting for the hearse to bring that once happy, once smiling boy to the place where he would be Amit Khanna for the last time. Alone in a group of people, each fighting their grief in their own way. Someone stood a little distanced from others. Someone stood huddled, holding on to another for support. Someone stood quietly, listening. Someone chattered nineteen to the dozen. I stood there mindlessly, numbly, chanting a mantra that, ironically, was famed to hold the powers to prolong a sick person's life.


Came the hearse, everyone moved forward to follow it. I lagged behind. Someone called out tome urgently. I followed blindly. All this while quiet, composed. Then I got a glimpse of his blister-covering-bandaged head and I trembled. They called us to pay our last respects. I stood there watching people queue up. Some found their way to the family, hugging them, consoling them, condoling the loss. Some stood there, quiet. Some walked slowly, respecting the queue. Some cut the queue and kept standing there. Some fell back, some went more than twice. I dragged my feet - how could I face him even now? I couldn't do anything to save him...


The priest mumbled the mantras. His father and younger brother came with an earthen pot to fill it with water. Their composed faces pierced through my haze. Tears stung. The sight of uncle's hands balancing the pot containing water broke my composure - my archetype tells me no father should have to consign his young son to the flames. Yet, this...I felt hot tears coursing down cold cheeks. 


They picked him up to take him to the pyre. Once again I fell behind. How do I face the stoic wife, younger than even I am? What do I say to her? Words are empty at this point. How do I watch someone I grew up with, burn to nothingness? Emotions are meaningless at this point. How do I console people who were closer to him than I ever was? Compassion is useless at this time. 


Time arrogantly flies by and the flames of the pyre jump higher. Wails grow louder before dying down to soft sobs. I realize my chanting has stopped. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. 


I see Aatisha. Hug her and hear myself tell her how strong she is and that that's how she needs to continue being. Pointless, right now, isn't it?, my mind asks me. It is. And I shut up. I've promised to be more available to her than before. 


Time to go home. Wish others goodbye. What a place to gather, I think. I'd have been happier without a re-union this way.


Silently I get into the car. Silently I ride back home. Silently I eat. Silently I go to bed. I wake up and I'm silent. For right now, any sound is jarring. 


In silence I write this. 


For all there is left for my friend, is silence.  

The silence of death

Lost a friend from childhood to cancer yesterday. Not that we were super close or anything, but he was someone who shared my childhood with. I cheered him on when he won medals, he clapped when I debated. Many years we weren't even in touch. Till Facebook and a subsequent school reunion brought us back together. With great news and bad. He was married to an awesome woman. He was getting treated for cancer. Stunned. I made all the right sounds and inside I was like, "what am I saying? what DO I say to someone who's telling me he has cancer - and with a smile!?" He went into remission for a while. Small sigh of relief. And then it came back. With a vengeance. Spread to his lungs first. Scrambled. HAD to do something. What? Got in touch with someone wonderful who does Reiki, very powerfully. Phew. At least we could do something. As his cancer spread, so did my involvement (from a distance) - Let's get him Reiki, which would - at the very least - ease his suffering. But my life continued. It didn't come to a standstill as his wife's or his parents' or his brother's. Then came the news that he was in hospital. Grim. I HAD to go see him. At least once. Turned out to be my first and last time to see him ravaged by the Big C.


I stood there at the gate of the cremation ground. Waiting for the hearse to bring that once happy, once smiling boy to the place where he would be Amit Khanna for the last time. Alone in a group of people, each fighting their grief in their own way. Someone stood a little distanced from others. Someone stood huddled, holding on to another for support. Someone stood quietly, listening. Someone chattered nineteen to the dozen. I stood there mindlessly, numbly, chanting a mantra that, ironically, was famed to hold the powers to prolong a sick person's life.


Came the hearse, everyone moved forward to follow it. I lagged behind. Someone called out tome urgently. I followed blindly. All this while quiet, composed. Then I got a glimpse of his blister-covering-bandaged head and I trembled. They called us to pay our last respects. I stood there watching people queue up. Some found their way to the family, hugging them, consoling them, condoling the loss. Some stood there, quiet. Some walked slowly, respecting the queue. Some cut the queue and kept standing there. Some fell back, some went more than twice. I dragged my feet - how could I face him even now? I couldn't do anything to save him...


The priest mumbled the mantras. His father and younger brother came with an earthen pot to fill it with water. Their composed faces pierced through my haze. Tears stung. The sight of uncle's hands balancing the pot containing water broke my composure - my archetype tells me no father should have to consign his young son to the flames. Yet, this...I felt hot tears coursing down cold cheeks. 


They picked him up to take him to the pyre. Once again I fell behind. How do I face the stoic wife, younger than even I am? What do I say to her? Words are empty at this point. How do I watch someone I grew up with, burn to nothingness? Emotions are meaningless at this point. How do I console people who were closer to him than I ever was? Compassion is useless at this time. 


Time arrogantly flies by and the flames of the pyre jump higher. Wails grow louder before dying down to soft sobs. I realize my chanting has stopped. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. 


I see Aatisha. Hug her and hear myself tell her how strong she is and that that's how she needs to continue being. Pointless, right now, isn't it?, my mind asks me. It is. And I shut up. I've promised to be more available to her than before. 


Time to go home. Wish others goodbye. What a place to gather, I think. I'd have been happier without a re-union this way.


Silently I get into the car. Silently I ride back home. Silently I eat. Silently I go to bed. I wake up and I'm silent. For right now, any sound is jarring. 


In silence I write this. 


For all there is left for my friend, is silence.