Tucked Away in my Heart – Ennui

Is what i'm writing a result of my ennui coz I don't have any work to do or is it because i'm grappling with coming to terms with a situation? What is it?

Why am I going through this roller coaster of tumultous emotions? Angry one minute, sad the next, nostalgic this moment, perfectly normal the other? Why is it so difficult to rein them all in one nonchalant feeling? Does everyone, who's loved and watched that love losing go through these? Why is my pride stopping me from reaching out to anyone and talking to them. All my friends used to come to me...so why can't I go to them with what's bothering me? Because it's between me and Nonu. My best friend - Lambie -he's coming...but do I dare to speak to him about any of this? More than it being between me and Nonu, lambie will kill...me and Nonu both...actually he won't even be bothered about Nonu. He'll just kill me...I can almost hear him....do you NOT have ANY brains? WHY did you go? Why did you have to meet him? WHY could you have not controlled whatever it was that you were feeling when you knew things were not working out?...Oh GOD...if I had the answers to any of these why's I'd be able to control myself and the situation. The only answer that I have right now is that this is never going to work. None of my fervent prayers will help, all my promises to the Supreme Being of leaving chocolates and non-vegetarian for life will go waste. None of this will work out the way I want it to...because it takes two...and there's only one...

Ennui...resulting from dilemmas...born out of lack of answers...arising out of Nonu's...ennui?

Life comes full circle