Tucked Away in my Heart - That Day...

I sat there frozen as I read the words over and over again - "i'm in love". You'd posted this in cyberia. I don't know today what was worse - reading it or having to read it. All I remember is sitting there, wave after cold wave racing up my spine to crash somewhere deep within. And yet, the person that I am sat there, my back rigid, my face impassive - despite that I was alone, in a hotel room, far, far away from anyone I know who shouldn't see me as anything but in control. The screen sat in front of me, hurling the words at me, over and over again.

I don't know for how long I sat there, just staring right back at the screen, images of you and me flashing, movie-like, at my favorite restaurant, eating my favorite dish - which you came to love too, then sitting outside by the pool of the hotel - my feet on your chair, not wanting to go back home wishing the moment froze in time...the long drive back home when I asked you to take a detour because I REALLy did not want the evening to end.....or the time we were just walking out after lunch and I missed a step - so drunk was I on "our" love :) - and how you reached out, your hand on my back - to steady me...us at the airport - you there for your flight, me for mine. Remember how giddily excited I was? It was such a whole new experience for me - like a secret, divinely arranged rendezvous - with the man I loved at the airport at the same time...

And then the hour alarm on my phone went off. I glanced at it reproachfully for having snatched away my moments with you and realized it was past 2 in the morning. With a sigh I got up, no energy to change, but dragged myself to. Careful, precise movements. Nothing should hurt, nothing should crack - not even when alone. I got myself into the bed and thanked myself for the quilt.

In my exhaustion, alone in what was till now a beautiful room - with a beautifully landscaped patio I could walk out to and lounge in - it was the quilt that gave me succor.

You, in love, were far, far, really far away that day.